“Old age is full of death and full of life. It is a tolerable achievement and it is a disaster. It transcends desire and it taunts it. It is long enough and it is far from being long enough.” - Ronald Blythe, “The View in Winter,”
We thought life was hard in the different stages of our aging. We never really gave much thought to how we related to our elders, until we become aging. Most of us, don’t deny it, are going to go through the confusion of living in an aging body, mind, heart and soul. All the trite “age is just a number” sayings help no one. Life is fraught with hardships at any age, but as we truly hit our 70s, 80s and 90s, are going to learn a great deal about persevering. “Be Prepared” is the best adage here, not some cutesy phrases that denigrate what we might be going through; physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. Those of us who ARE aging, and not so gracefully, as is most common, need to really give thought to anticipating aging as another impacting life milestone.
Our immune systems cannot keep up any more. Covid taught us how this is a truth. Osteoporosis is a common as our bones weaken. Our eyes begin to betray us in more than our mirror images that show our skin can no longer snap back. Our hearts begin to show real cracks and all the stress and heartbreaks begin to rear that our hearts are weakened. We begin to fall into categories of myriads of kinds of chronic problems. Now it is a whole bunch of itch and stitch that stays. Most of us try to keep busy because that keeps us from mulling over how we ever got to this place while media pushes the idea that there are ways to slow aging, to hide aging, and many, who might not be as aged-impacted as early as others, spew positives and trite phrases that do not do anyone any favors. We live to die and finding a graceful way to do that goes way beyond diet and exercise. Finding your own personal way to thrive amidst it all will be… will be... a challenge we hoped we would not face. All the while gorgeous gray-haired women, delicately made up and dressed like hippy dippy chic models and complete with nothing more to do than sit in make up chairs and are painted and pulled and cinched up are not the norm. The norm is, we are dealing with dying cells and muscles and organs. Acceptance is key, not some newfound product of ‘fountain of youth’ serums.
Just like we cannot run through life, impulsive and active as teenagers, twenty-somethings, forty-somethings, sixty-somethings, our mind begins to fall into “wait, I cannot remember that name, things, place, persons, just at the moment” times. We process things more slowly. We begin to need more focus to stay attentive. Multi-tasking changes and those of us who were type A personalities will notice that we cannot think about a thousand things at once like we once did. We tend to be more methodical about challenging problem-solving. We are vulnerable to deceptional situations because we are so busy trying to be positive and stay out of chaotic, challenging, situations. We no longer need to be as defensive and feel a need to p[rove ourselves. Acceptance is key; accept that your brain is no longer as sharp as it was and to find ways to explore and become quieter in our contemplation. We have long histories and stories and we have fascinating moments in our lives that we can share and our access to the world-wide net can give us places to study, to research, to consider and weigh so that we continue to be a teacher/learner and learner/teacher kind of person.
Emotionally, we dump our old phobias and anxieties, our regrets and guilts because we are refusing to fall in to despair and finding ways to do what you used to do in easier ways. (Think Dylan Thomas’ “rage, rage, rage, at the end of day”). Hobbies are imperative. As our bodies need more rest and rejuvenation time, keeping busy at something meditative and creative and enjoyable will help us get past the ways our bodies might betray and embarrass us.
Spiritually. We are now given the opportunity to really look at what we value, what we know to be true, what our life story holds that gives us meaning (not purpose...that is always ongoing) because our lives mattered and we mattered and will continue to do so. Most of all, we tend to focus more on spirit/soul than we ever did before.
Don’t denigrate the reality of aging/ of blooming and of our blossoms becoming raggedy and ruffled. Don’t pretend that everyone else is aging gracefully and we might not be. Don’t fall for the media-spawned/big business spawned stuff. Aging belongs to that unique space of our own unique beings. My aging is not your aging. Your aging is not mine. Compassion is needed, to be sure. These are not golden years. These are tough times while we find ways to keep some grace in all this. I am grateful for those who speak truths about aging. That is what sustains those of us who are going through this raw and real. Thank you for being supportive in encouragement and acceptance of our changes as we surrender to this last blossom of fall part of life.
©Carol Desjarlais 8.2.21
