Aging and Coping

“Feet, what do I need you for when I have wings to fly?” – Frida Kahlo

The Isolation for these months has really seemed to have done a job on us.  I think, from what I hear from friends and relatives, isolation is easier on women.  I think we know how to fill time.  I notice The Bee Man has really suffered.  Finally, he got his Bee Queens so he is happier having them to work on.  I, also think, that women have better stress-coping skills.  But, is that the norm?  Is Age a factor?

As we age, our cells age, and either we become calmer and more effective, or we move further into chaotic living we may have been used to and chaos turns to depression or need for medication.  As well, the medication we take can have a huge effect on our emotions and body efficiency.  Our aging body is burden enough. Our minds are, I believe, more reflective and now, we find that we struggle if chaos enters our life.  I have a sense that we might be less resilient when anxious times comes to visit. 

As seniors, our anxiety and stressors come from losses, too much time, too less energy, and too much alone time.  Some of us do not have the ability to be able to gather eye to eye with friends or family that we can share our everyday worries with, or to get relief by sharing with.  Yes, we have social mediums but we crave and need face to face.  How do we socialize then?  It is a basic need.  Find ways like Face Time, Zoom, etc. to see someone’s dear face as you share.  

With this imposed semi-isolation, we have stressors added on to the normal aging stressors.  We have pills to get and take, we have worries about others giving us the virus, we have worries about how long this is going to be before things relax and we are safe.  These worries up our blood pressure and cause triggers that stress and anxiety can have on our body, mind, heart and soul.  There is always something on the news to worry us and we need to stay informed but if we cannot find a way to peace while all these things (second waves, smoke from Africa, killer wasps, hurricanes, climate, pipelines, governments…) are going on it can begin to add up and it will…will show up as physical, emotional responses. 

In fact, I truly noticed the emotional responses this spring.  Life bit me and my health bit me and my everyday stress-responses were totally skewed.  Sometimes I get my words wrong, sometimes I forget or miscue things, often I drop things, trip on things, and struggle to keep my proverbial chite together.  Every time I do any of it I worry about falling, about getting my DNA shared proclivity towards dementia, etc.)  It is unnerving how often that chite is happening to me.  When I think logically, I realize I AM older and must be careful and I am finding this aging body of mine almost foreign to me.  

As we age, it is easy to get discouraged, to withdraw from adventures, to settle in and settle for less than we should.  Many of us have different kinds of chronic things going on and we have meds and changed meds and med reactions.  (Hello two weeks of hell because I was given an antibiotic that I had an extreme adverse reaction to and on meds for that now for six weeks).  We can find our moods all over the place and isolation definitely does not help.  I am very aware my mind works like a middle-aged woman, or younger, but the body cannot keep up (the falling, the dropping, the mixed-up feelings).  We have to be honest and accept when we need help in any way.  Oh, we boomer women with our “I can do it all…equality...band standing for our rights” suddenly, we are not able to keep that up and it is mightily hard for us to surrender to pretty much anything.  I find that keeping busy, doing things differently, trying new things, trying old things I used to like to do, all these helps me get through my 24 hours until the next day.  

When I find myself frustrated, I do turn back to what sustained me in the past.  My ‘go to’ is cultural traditional things.  One thing I am excited about is a class in making birch bark baskets that is done outside and where we can maintain social distancing.  It is something I have always wanted to do.  This last year, I have been moving back in to doing some cultural and traditional things I have not been able to do for my four years of grieving.  I am into five years now and I can open up even more.  I know there will be laughter because that is part of First Nations healing processes.  I need that spiritual stimulation where my soul knows The Good Red road to recovering self, in balancing soul to the rest of this, to be nourished and sustained.

What are you doing for self-care during this time?

©Carol Desjarlais 6.29.20

For The 'Remains' Of Your Days

All of us have been betrayed by someone we thought cared about us.  Every time…every danged time… it happens, we give our head a shake and ask ourselves how we could make such poor choices in friendships.  We are quick to blame ourselves for some lapse in relationship choices.  The reality is, we call “Friend”, those who are not and we simply put on blinders and walked part of our journey with those who will teach us good hard lessons.

We all have those friends (or THAT friend) who always seems competitive with us.  We know it.  We refuse to think of the consequences.  They seem to often (or always) find a way to dampen your joy.  This is pure toxic because everyone needs a cheerleader in their life.  If who you call friend is constantly deriding your joy at some small success, then they are toxic indeed.  Gracefully walk away and feel the relief that comes.

We all have that friend ( or friends) that know how to give and receive in equal balance.  Some ask too much of us.  Instead of uplifting, the drag us down with their constant negativity and desire to have you fix them.  We are all fixing ourselves.  Again, we need a cheerleader not a burden.  If you find you are worn out with their drama, although it is very difficult, and many of us are “fixers”, our very well-being depends on our ability to withdraw and keep on our journey without them.  Enabling is not empowering.  If we are constantly being asked to fix them, it is too much.  Water seeks its own level.  Soon we will be in need of fixing if we continue to let them suck the sap from you.  

As I said, we all need cheerleaders.  We need someone who can make us laugh, can tease our heart with joy, who bring us flowers on our saddest days, who uplift and inspire for no other reason than friendship with them is pure and authentic and safe.  We all need the kind of friend we do not have to watch everything we do with.  We need girlfriends we can whisper secrets too and know that she is a safe person and will keep all your idiosyncrasies safe from the outside world.  Mature friendships would never betray but will make beautiful that special connection you have that includes being as real as you may have ever been.  

I wish you the kind of friends that are angels in your life.  I wish you be an angel for your friends for the remains of your days.

©Carol Desjarlais 6.28.20