Stinkin' Thinkin'

(or What to do when the whole world pisses you off.)

Sometimes you are so po'd that you are even po'd at self... wait... that is it.  First, I am po'd at Self. - CD 

Sometimes, rarely so, everything in the world pmo.  Everything is annoying.  I feel grump and irritated inside.  I cannot quite pin down what is pmo, but something is.  And, the next person that pmo is getting a verbal blast.  I have to fix that reaction in myself.  How do I do it?

I do not handle much stress any more.  I understand why the elderly really try hard to find peace and why some fail.  Sometimes I am so frustrated with myself and others and there is no vent that is appropriate.  Stuff can add up and eventually I am a complete dork as I snap back at someone.  I have to remember that I am projecting what I am feeling inside, they may have nothing to do with it.  My tolerance level is less as I age.  I have to catch my crappy attitude before I get bitter:  Always looking for my triggers.  It is my reactions I have to work on.  Some of those danged things are embedded deep.

When something triggers me, I respond from the deepest most hurt place in me.  I am absolutely no fun, not nice, a miserable thing when I am hurting;  physically, intellectually, emotionally or spiritually.  I am not good to be around.  I am everything I do not want to be. 

Hurt and fear, and anger being the easiest response, is my downfall.  I can only take being put down for so long and then I am going to say something, and usually add an expletive just to get that point across.  Yes, there is some depression involved.  Yes, there is high blood pressure that puts my whole being in an agitated state, yes, sometimes I just feel what I define as anger inside, but have no reason for it.  My problem is not digging down deep enough to know why. 

When I am trying to explain something and it is not getting across, I trip into defensiveness.  Immediately I am in fight mode.  I have learned to walk away from a lot of things, but it seems to save up inside and it is there ...all....there... when I react to something or someone who will be stunned at my response.  I know this.  Why can't I just change it, for crying out loud?  I work hard on self and healing.  Will I ever heal?

I am not entitled to be angry.  I cannot be a bully, even verbally.  I give away my power the minute I react with anger.  I come across like that when I vent.  Man, I still have some inner Evil Inner Witch things.  She shows up less and less often, but she does still show up.    

I am tired of asking for forgiveness for it.  I need a women's group to talk this stuff out with.  I need sweats.  I need smudging.  I need to get my proverbial chite together.  I need a padded room.  I need a pillow to bat.  I need to go out into some forest and scream as loud as I can scream just to get this out of me. 

I have to figure out why my Ego is so sensitive.  No, it does not belong to anyone else.  I am the only one who is feeling this.  No one else is to blame.  I am to blame.  I choose this response.  I have to learn to stop, define the real feeling, and respond appropriately.  Am I so new to authentic expressions?  No, I am not.  This is just simply kneejerk from old chite.  I have no reason to defend myself.  I have no reason to feel attacked.  I have no reason to be afraid. 

Hmmmm..

Just had a bit of epiphany.  I have always hated to cry.  I refuse to cry.  I feel weak when I cry, so.. when something makes me feel sad, I react with the only response I am still allowing myself.  OM G...  I should just cry, for goodness sakes.  I am giving away my power by responding angrily, so why am I so afraid to respond by crying?  How desperate I have been to not cry.  I am fragile.  I hate being fragile.  OMG, I am getting it.

Did I suppose feeling sad means I am not good?  OMG, it does.  So, my Ego resorts to an easier reaction.  Hmmm..  Soemtimes I feel devalued by a comment or an action.  It releases some kind of chemical in my brain that says to stand and fight, and so I get diarrhea of the mouth... geez. 

I think that my angry outbursts validate me and invalidate another.  There is no comfort to that.  I have used anger at medication.  If made to feel any of the things I have written on the painting, I begin to feel helpless and somehow, some sick how, I feel empowered.  Holy crow!  As I quickly type all this, after doing the painting, I am still in the epiphany stage.  Creativity is healing, is a way to dig deep and come to knowing. 

In my way, I think, I was rejecting the other person in some way;  rejecting their criticism, rejecting their ( perceived by me) abandonment, rejecting being devalued, etc.  So, a key trigger for me, for one, is rejection.  And I become angry with them to push them away, push their (my perceiving) negation.  Also, I am very aware that I reject authority by those who do not deserve my acquiesce.  I refuse to respect anyone who does not deserve my respect.  I reject those who try to control me.  But, if I show my anger, or any negative response, then I have just allowed them to control me.  Now, that makes me mad at Self.  I know this stuff.  Geez!

A fear.  Yes, a fear of being disapproved of, of being vulnerable, these are part of my lizard brain triggers.  I know them intimately.  My anger has been a way to disengage with others who I feel threatened by...by those I PERCEIVE to be threatening in whatever way.  My anger has been a way to self-insulate self from thinking what others think or feel about me matters.  This is a childhood thing, I know, because I was always told, "What would _____/others think?"  This is embedded deeply and why I feel guilt and shame and remorse, and all the bad bad bad person thoughts about self afterwards.  This comes from childhood rejection of the little girl I was who was never good enough.  I am 71 years old.  You would think I had worked on this... I HAVE worked on this.  Am I, 'til my dying breath, going to feel never good enough?

So, for the rest of this month, I am going to look at my anger, when it comes.  Stop, pause, think of what trigger this new anger is connected to and then walk away and mull over it.  It is the best I can do.

I refuse to walk around a bitter person waiting for someone to get over my threshold.  I can no longer numb the real feelings.  It must be worked on in private.  I need to sit down, by myself, and give myself a good thinking!

©Carol Desjarlais 12/4/18