The past is behind you, learn from it. The future is ahead, prepare for it. The present is here, live it.
I was, once, and am, yet, still, an overthinker, if I do not rein myself in. I work hard to hold my horses back when thoughts want to stampede. I am not a histrionic woman, but I could be. I am not a catastrophic woman, but I could be that too. I can be my own worst enemy.
These last two weeks, I have been invited to exhibit my work in a couple of places: one a heritage site where bus tours for the Gold Rush Trail stop in and the other, a gallery. It is so insidious how my brain kicks in to second guess everything I have the opportunity to do.
I should be nothing but happy and I have been stressed to the max because my ego starts its self-defeating chatter about how I am not good enough to show my work, how vain of me to even think so, that others will see what a hoax to think my work is worthy of such. But I kept on typing up my bio, my artist statement and inventory, and display cards, nonetheless.
I encourage myself by remembering how I jump into a cold river pool. I take some time to bolster myself up and the simply run and jump. I refuse procrastination, let the fear go, and take the preparation paperwork step by step. I literally take emotion out of the equation.
I am slowly coming to the understanding that I am not who others think of me. My art is not to please anyone else. My art pleases me. If I spend more time worrying about my art being accepted, it takes the joy out of sharing my creations with others. I am offering up pieces of my soul that was the inspiration for each painting I do. It is sacred only to me, in that respect. If my art piece tells a new story to someone else, then it has been known. Being known is being accepted. I cannot let my chattering ego be in charge of my life. My mind cannot bully my body.
My ego, that chatters in the background, belongs in the past, is someone else’s voice, and in order to quieten it, it means that I must surrender the past critiques about my life, or my artwork, or a part of who I am. This causes me to overthink things as well. I work hard to live in the Present and make sure to deal with the past negatives the moment they come. I am very aware of lessening energy sustainability so I am careful where I expend it. The mind grinds, indeed.
As I pay attention, carefully, I can catch my Ego starting to criticize, and rather than fall into thinking negatively, I block it and do something positive. At night, as I wake up several times a night, I refuse to stay laying in the dark and, of course, do some serious overthinking, I get up and do something that takes my mind off it. Typically, I sit and do art and allow my brain relief. Nighttime wakening is a bad time for overthinking things, I have found. Although I disturb my sleep patterns by getting up, I know that laying there would only give my brain free play. For those of us prone to overthinking, Any time the mind is not doing something constructive, it will try and be destructive.
If you are an overthinking, you know that it can really make you suffer, physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. I pray you find a way to cork it.
©Carol Desjarlais 5. 07. 24
No comments:
Post a Comment