Seeking Peace Amidst Chaotic Episodes

 

 

I had a girlfriend who said the worst thing she ever experienced in our first decades, was that her family room fireplace smoked up the house…then… she lost her husband to cancer.  She was able to define “worst thing”.  I, on the other hand, had many “little worst things” comparison.  I never “lost” a husband, but I “left” a couple and then became a legal widow a couple of years ago.  (We had not seen each other since 1986 but he refused a divorce and I, being Me, thought staying legally married would keep me from making a mistake again.)  My “little chaos’s” were divorce and walking away.  I had every reason, in my life, to be a crack addict or a serious alcoholic, because I had any of the problems in my life that true addicts and alcoholics gave as reasons for why they were what they were.   I have made it through to this age raw and real.

The older I get, the more serenity and peace I crave.  I have gleaned things that led me too feeling the chaos whether they hurt or not.  Many people, places and things have been set aside.  But, here I am again, deep in the throes of having to glean yet again.  All of us have our own personal definition of chaos in our lives.  My chaos is not your chaos; your chaos is not mine.

What I seek, in my elder age is liberation, self-imposed, from circumstances that cause us to feel bombarded.  When such moments appear, or threaten to appear, we have to simply walk through it.  Change, of course, is more difficult as we age, but change is what we walk through and towards.  I refuse to become bitter and more broken.  I am not a victim.  I am being given an opportunity to make better.  I am starting to find that living in the present moment helps, emotionally, so that the chaos I am in does not magnify.   

The act of letting life happen has an end goal...peace and happiness, relief.  Life has taught me that things end and things renew.  Outer chaos is going to happen and we cannot control that.  I can only control my reaction to it all.  In fact, the reality is, every one of us has issues with “controlling” self.  The example of getting our ducks in a row and there being a pigeon is more true that first thought.  I know that, sometimes, we cannot even find our ducks and sometimes it is best to let the little beggars go their own way.  Change is transformation and we, sometimes, need a new pond.

Elderhood means that we have learned lots of lessons and now we even have more lessons to learn.  Want, need becomes huge.  Sustaining the personal needs that we have come to find has changed, is okay and we are enough and it is enough.  Life is not easy.  It never was and never will be.  We come the other side of chaos knowing that we need to be grateful for the times when chaos does not drive us.  Life is personal development training, after all.  Over and over we read and are told to have compassion for ourselves, but we let compassion slide and we feel the chaos at extreme levels.  We hear, all the time, about healing, and yet we objectify it or put that responsibility on others to heal.  We should not compare ourselves to any others, but we should afford the positive aspects of compassionate healing from life for ourselves. 

It is imperative to acknowledge the problem for what it really is; that we are suffering in some way, and what that WAY is.  Then doing what is right, for us, to ease that suffering.  We can go back and discover the lessons from walking through the incidents of chaos of the past.  In doing this, we gain some courage to keep on keeping on.  We need to find ways to discover beauty where we forgot to look.  We have gotten through many incidents.  Our reactions to those incidents are where the ongoing problems may arise.  It is those reactions that we had that made the difference in healing from those things.  If we have not healed form earlier incidents, they raise their ugly heads in future incidents.  The crux of chaos is not the people, place, nor things… it is the growth and healing of changing our reactions.  This is tough for me, probably for you too.

I do art every day, when I am not stuck in the mire of chaos.  I have had to walk away from chaos-makers and that hurt, a great deal.  But my own peace and serenity has been compromised because I allowed such to stay in my life longer than should ever have been.  Walking away has never been way for me.  But walk I must because, if things do not change, I cannot remain.  It takes a huge amount of courage.  Sometimes I feel like I just cannot summon enough.  But, as I heal, it becomes easier.  I bypass the confusion and fog of uncertainty and I take one small step towards an ultimate goal of dying with peace and serenity in my life.

©Carol Desjarlais 16.01.25

The painting is done in my large art journal;  gouache and pen

 

A New Year, A New Set of Anxieties: Word of the Year - COURAGE

 

 

I am committed to blogging again.  I have definitely had a |slow-down” and have needed a great amount of rest to come back from being truly sick with RSV.  I can do something one day and then it takes another full day to get my energy back.  Everything takes longer to do.  But I am doing things.  The medication for the torn meniscus has kicked my butt but solved the pain problems.  I am slowly getting used to the medication over these few months.  The weight of a few months of exhaustion after a cruise, physical pain, emotional trauma is heavy, so it has taken some time to come back to some sense of Self.  My new word for the year is COURAGE.

There is a sense of uneasiness within me as this new year begins.  I have a sense of feeling a bit foggy, a bit confused, a bit of underlying unease and even dread.  And so... I turn my hand to doing some flowery, springy, type art I hopes to deflect some of the deep sense of caution and undefinable anxiety.  And, while doing art, I try to come to rips with what I can do to dissuade the anxiety.  Understanding can lead to a map towards feeling more hopeful and allow peace to come.  I am going to have to pull up my big-girl-panties and get some gathering of courage.

I was really ill for a few weeks.  I had not caught up with the energy spent on the cruise.  I had to go to Alberta, fly actually, and all that means to me.  I met Christmas knowing that I would spend it too quietly.  I have no reason to look forward to anything adventurous or exciting to do in the new year.  I can dream up things, but nothing seems to ignite anything in me.  I just feel tired.

There is a great deal of uncertainty, and disappointment, surrounding me as this new year begins.  I have important decisions to make...so important that I am almost paralyzed by it.   There is a shadow hanging over everything.  I am not depressed, I am anxious.  I do not have S.A.D., I am, again, disappointed. 

There has been a great deal going on in my life.  I have not blogged, nor done art, for months.  I did not have anything to say because there is nothing that CAN be said.  Life is dragging on and dragging me with it.    I am, in many ways, caught between a rock and a hard place.  Decisions I make will be best but that does not mean they will not hurt.  As it all came to a peak, I felt a calm come over me, but that calmness has turned to almost dread.  I know what I have to do.  As I held counsel with my daughter, I realized I felt almost relief.  Then I felt guilt.  I hate giving up on things.  I am not a giver-upper. 

I am taking one day at a time, getting my ducks in a row, but every duck leaves me with a sense of sorrow.  There are a great many “ifs”.  If only…  If perhaps… If maybe…

I am great at procrastinating when I HAVE to do something.  I stop being mindful, grateful, caring for myself.  I start to withdraw.  I am withdrawing.   I am trying NOT to feel.  Feeling betrays me.  I betray myself.   

I have a goal.  I have to take care of myself.  I have to prepare to take care of myself.  I am making lists, and checking them twice, that wilL lead me to that end.  It doesn’t feel good, nonetheless.  I am doing little to not feel.  I am tending to not feel the positives. 

I can not live under this stress any longer.  It is going to do me in.  My health is going to suffer.  I am too old to not take care of things for myself.  I have support.  I have understanding.  I know what I need to do and others do too.  It has built up and built up and I can no longer deal with it without being ill.  I have anti-anxiety medications I can take when needed.  I do not want to need to use it.  Life is handing me many reasons too.  I am still an “I can do it” but am losing some of the impetus. I am moving into experiences where I can finally learn how to stand up for myself in good ways. 

This year, I am gathering up courage in order to set some good boundaries in a good way.  I have to learn to stop the emotional build-up and turn it into quiet determination.  I turn to arting, again, with COURAGE in its many expressions going to show up a I consciously build up my confidence at a deeper level. 

© Carol Desjarlais 1.9.25

 

Cruise of a Lifetime – Travelog 4

 

 

 

Everyone scrambled to take a photo of the Golden Gate Bridge at sunrise.  They had a Sail In with samosas and sourdough as we sailed under the bridge.  San Francisco was our opportunity to get off the ship and do some strolling.  Ok, I strolled, the other three rode on their scooters.  We were our own little parade.  We waited until the mad rush off happened and then the employees helped the three riders down the plank and on to ground. 

We walked miles, I think… well, it felt like it.  But I found out that that double cortisone shot worked awesome. 

Passing under the Golden Gate was truly inspiring.  Seeing Alcatraz was something to see.  I had no idea it was so close to land.  We spent some time watching the seals fight for territory on the docks.  They are feisty. 

We strolled past The Midway and it felt so strange.  Behind The Midway  was Facebook’s Mark Zuckerburg’s yacht being loaded with supplies.  Later, the movie onboard was The Fall Guy and the comedian, Jose Sarduy, regaled everyone with his impressions.  For those who came back early from the day long in port, there were art classes and bingo.  I won.  The three bars had different genres of music going on.  The menus were Pacific salmon, Pan-Asian, and Halibut.  The Lido was loaded with dishes from around the world, great banks of breads and desserts.  The food was absolutely amazing. 

After the long walk through the port, seeing the Welcome Home Statue and being respectful and contemplative, we were tired so we retired early.  Again, the gentle amniotic rocking of the ship helped us sleep soundly. 

©Carol Desjarlais 10.2.24